I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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