Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
