I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
