Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
