If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
