Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
me + whiskey = a bad person
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
