You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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