I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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