He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
