I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
