My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
