now i know why i became what i already was.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
