I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
