Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
and she was petting her beer can
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
