You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
