I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
