So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
