Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
