You smell like a Billy Joel song
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
