Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
