eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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