I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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