Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
