Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You're breaking my sexual little heart
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
