Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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