I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
