gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
