Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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