oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Sorry my hands just texted you
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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