haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
