just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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