forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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