I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
