I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
