Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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