If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
