I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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