It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
