so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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