im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
