i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
