I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
