There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
