I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
