Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
