A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
