I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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