We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
