Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Can I color on your dick again?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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