she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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