all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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