cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
