i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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