last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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