the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
